Nothing Left to Lose
by autumnsbliss
Summary: After a trial goes awry, Amanda begins to consider her relationship, her job, and that perhaps the two can't coexist.
1. Beginning of the End

The familiar bedroom was shrouded in darkness, and Amanda stared blankly up at the ceiling as the cars passing by on the streets outside became nothing more than white noise. The sheets next to her were still cold…untouched…despite the fact that it was well into the night, but she had been too distracted think about it for too long. Her mind had been too busy replaying the events of the past few days on a nearly constant loop, as if to remind her of every mistake she'd made.

* * *

_Rita Calhoun stood in front of her, as calm and composed as always. She paced a few steps, her eyes never leaving Amanda's, before stopping in front of the stand._

_"Detective Rollins…you and Captain Benson were the first to speak to the accuser, Ms. Alexander, correct?"_

_"We were."_

_"Upon filing her initial police report did Ms. Alexander ever identify my client? Or even give a physical description of her attacker at all?"_

_"Not at first," Amanda responded honestly. "She told us that she didn't get a good enough look at the person who attacked her to give an accurate description. But it's not uncommon for details to come back to victims once they've had some time to deal with the initial trauma of the attack."_

_"I hear you, Detective. So, just to be clear…you're saying that when Ms. Alexander initially spoke with you and Captain Benson she had no memory of her attacker's face. But once she spoke with you alone further into the investigation…suddenly she remembered?"_

_"Like I said…it's not exactly uncommon."_

_Rita nodded, pacing once more and pursing her lips as if she was deep in thought. Amanda knew better, however, Whatever she was going to ask next was surely planned well in advanced, despite the show she seemed to be putting on for the jury._

_"Detective Rollins, are you in an intimate relationship with Mr. Carisi?"_

_An uncomfortable heat crept up Amanda's neck, and she attempted to swallow back the dryness suddenly present in her throat._

_"Objection." Her eyes flitted over to Carisi at the sound of his voice. "Relevance?"_

_"Your Honor," Rita sighed, her tone thick with condescension "Mr. Carisi might be the only one in this courtroom who **doesn't** see how this is relevant."_

_"Overruled, Mr. Carisi. The witness may answer."_

_Amanda's eyes shifted to the jury, and she found herself vehemently hoping that her mind was playing tricks on her when she could swear she'd seen nearly every expression there grow skeptical._

_"Yes…but that's already been disclosed to both the DA's Office and the-"_

_"So the NYPD had my client in custody…your **significant other** was building a case against him…and suddenly Ms. Alexander could make an ID on her attacker after a conversation with you that, conveniently, **no one** else was present for? You're an intelligent woman, Detective Rollins. I'm sure you can see how one could find that curious?"_

_"With all due respect to ADA Carisi, my job is to protect and serve. And I care a lot more about that than I do about his conviction rate," Amanda responded with unwavering conviction. "All we spoke about during that conversation was the fact that we had a suspect in custody and that we were going to ask her to try to make an ID. Once she had some time to process what had happened to her, the details came back."_

_"Time…and perhaps a little coercion."_

_"Your Honor," Carisi insisted with a frustrated huff._

_"You know better, Ms. Calhoun," the judge chastised. "The jury will disregard."_

_Rita looked at the woman on the witness stand with a subtly confident twinkle in her eye, her lips twitching into what almost looked like a condescending half-smile._

_"Nothing further," she concluded with a nod._

* * *

With a deep sigh, she turned over again to look at the clock. It was already nearing 2 A.M., and her brain had not showed any signs of even preparing to power down for the night. She only attempted to close her eyes again for another minute or two before finally giving up and tossing the covers aside to get out of bed.

Slipping silently past the doors of the girls' rooms, Amanda made her way into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water in an attempt to clear her head. It'd been nearly a week since the verdict, but all of the chaos of the ordeal felt as if it was still lingering.

A key jangled in the lock of the front door not long after she'd gotten herself situated in the kitchen, and her head turned to watch as a familiar silhouette stepped through the threshold. She could hear him stifle a yawn as he closed and locked it silently behind him.

"Still up?" Carisi asked in a whisper nearly as soon as he noticed that he wasn't alone.

Amanda shrugged and set the untouched glass of water down on the counter before taking a seat at the table with a sigh. "Yeah," she responded in the same hushed tone. "Figured I'm gettin' just as much sleep out here as I was tossing and turning in there."

After hanging his keys in what had essentially become their designated spot by the door, he made his way into the kitchen and took the seat next to her. Even in the darkness she was sure he could recognize the discontent in her expression as she looked blankly out the window and to the familiar city lights. It wasn't as if she'd been putting any effort towards hiding her feelings as of late anyway.

Being so emotionally open was, admittedly, uncomfortable for her in the beginning, but she'd eventually come to accept the fact that he knew her entirely too well to make it worth trying to hide things away from him. He would never push it, but she could always hear the disappointment he tried to mask in his voice when she'd lie and tell him nothing was wrong. At a certain point, she'd just stopped, and she eventually found that there was a certain liberation that came along with not keeping things locked away in the recesses of her mind.

The outside world only held her focus for another silent minute before she turned her attention to her former partner, and for as much as she wanted to offer a gentle smile, or suggest that he go to bed after a late night at work, she couldn't bring herself to.

"What keeps you up at night?" She asked instead. He studied her with a curious gaze for a long few seconds, as if trying to sort through exactly what she was asking. "Is there ever that one thing," she began to clarify, "that — no matter what you do or how hard you try to move past it — you just…can't shake?"

"If this is about the Marino case-"

"You know it is."

He drew in a deep breath only to let it out in a sigh, and when he reached over to take her hand in his, she didn't flinch. "It's not your fault that he got off, Amanda."

Finally looking away from him, she shook her head. "Look, Carisi, I know you wanna spare my feelings, but I'm not naive. I know if I would have just brought Kat into the damn room with me to talk to Missy about the ID…"

It was that one oversight that consumed her with guilt. The fact that she'd spoken to their victim alone was what set off the entire chain reaction. Had she just put a minute's worth of thought into it — she couldn't help but consider — the entire mess could have been avoided. A rapist wouldn't still be out on the streets. Olivia wouldn't have been upset with her. Carisi wouldn't have been on thin ice with his boss.

"It wouldn'tve changed anything," he finally said. "The case was shaky to begin with. We knew it wasn't gonna be easy."

"My testimony put that final nail in the coffin. We both know that."

Amanda let go of his hand and stood up, taking a few paces across the kitchen floor before finally stopping and turning fully away from him to face back towards the window. This wasn't supposed to happen, she couldn't help but think. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

"You know…" She started again, her voice barely above a whisper. "I used to think I knew exactly what I'd do if it ever came down to having to choose between this," she gestured vaguely between them, "and the job. And…now I'm not so sure I do."

She didn't turn back to look at him, but she was positive she could envision the exact way he must have been looking at her. The way that came across clearly in his voice when he responded.

"What are you saying?"

A long, tense silence hung between them, and she could practically feel his eyes on her while he waited for a response. Her eyes closed as she attempted to collect her thoughts.

"I…" she paused when she could hear him get up from where he'd been sitting, and she knew that he'd moved closer to her without having to visually check. "I'm requesting a transfer out of SVU. I've got the paperwork filled out…just have to hand it over to Liv tomorrow."

"What?" Admittedly, he sounded about as shocked as she'd expected. It wasn't like they'd ever discussed the possibility. In fact, she hadn't brought it up to him at all, even as she'd gone through the process. "No…Rollins…Hey…" When he touched her shoulder, she finally turned to face him, only to see that his eyebrows were knitted in concern as his eyes studied hers. "What are you talking about? Can you just think about this for a minute?"

"I have," she told him. "I've thought about it a lot…and it's what I have to do."

"Amanda…come on. You love your job."

"God, Sonny, I _do_ love my job. But maybe there's something I love a little more now."

She couldn't blame him for looking as if he'd just been completely blindsided. Between the news of her wanting out of SVU and the implied admission that she loved him…after warning him time and time against saying it to her first…ensuring that he knew she wasn't ready to say it back. Maybe, she thought, it wasn't fair to drop all of this on him at two in the morning after a long night at work.

She could no longer keep it all tucked away, however. It had to come out. Maybe she could finally get some rest once it did.

"You've been tryin' to tell me you love me for weeks and now you're not even gonna say it back?" She asked with a weak, half-hearted chuckle.

"I'm kinda busy tryin' to convince you not to make a huge mistake," he told her honestly. When a sad smile touched her lips, he gently cupped her face between his hands and leaned down to kiss her. "I love you, Amanda," he said, his voice a whisper against her lips. "But you've gotta reconsider this, alright?"

A part of her wanted to argue that her mind was already made up. That things would be easier this way. That they'd never have to worry about their relationship getting in the way of a conviction again.

But she didn't.

Instead, she just closed her eyes, allowing him to kiss her briefly again before breaking it to pull her into a hug.

"Everything's gonna work out, okay?" He promised. He had no way of knowing that, but she could swear that, in that moment, he could lead her anywhere and she would follow without question. It was terrifying and beautiful all at once. "Hey...it's gonna be alright."

The way that his arms wrapped around her, holding her securely against him, allowed her to breathe out for what felt like the first time all week. And, despite what was rational, she let herself listen and believe in everything he was saying to her.

Regardless of what happened — whether she took a step back and chose to remain where she was, or whether she ended up deciding that a change in environment was what was really for the best — she knew that there would always be a constant. The man she loved…he would always be right there next to her. And, as long as that was the case, she knew he was right in some capacity.

Things would be okay. As long as he was beside her, they always would be.


	2. End of the Beginning

"Mommy, do they have ice cream in Brooklyn?"

Amanda wiped a bead of sweat from her brow as she fit the last of what she possibly could into the open box in front of her before sealing it shut with packing tape. Biting her tongue, she contained a frustrated huff in response to her daughter's question. She had been through almost two hours worth of Jesse continuously asking if their neighboring borough had anything and everything that came to mind, and it was admittedly getting exhausting.

But instead of snapping at the little girl who she knew was merely curious, or even implying that she wanted — _needed_ — her to just _stop talking _for a minute, she swallowed all of her frustration back and put on a smile.

"Yeah, Jess. They do," she told her, adding a playfully dramatic inflection to her voice when she continued. "And it's _really_ good."

"Really _really_ good?"

"_Better_."

When Amanda set up a new, empty box closer to the kitchen, Jesse followed. Seeming to lose focus on the previous topic, the little girl moved over to the window to stand on her toes and peek out to the streets beneath them.

"I'm bored," she declared. It wasn't difficult to tell, anyway. Had she not been, Amanda figured she'd be asking about half as many questions. "Where's Uncle Sonny?"

"Working," Amanda responded, taking a distracted glance over to the clock.

In Jesse's defense, he had told her a few days prior that he was clocking out early and would be there before dinner time. Now that the sun was starting to dip below the tops of the buildings surrounding her apartment, she almost found herself wondering the same thing.

"Why's he working?" Jesse prodded.

"Because he needs to make money."

"Why?"

"Because grown-ups need their own money for food and a place to live."

_Now leave me alone for five minutes_, she thought, but knew she would never have the heart to say aloud. She was a kid, and with nearly all of her toys already packed away and the only other person in the apartment napping, she knew she was getting antsy.

"Okay," she agreed easily. _Almost too easily_, Amanda thought. "I'm gonna see if Billie's awake now!" Jesse declared, and before her mother could protest the idea of her barging in on the sleeping baby, she was already thundering down the empty hallway.

"_Jesse!_"

Before she could shout anything after her that she'd regret as soon as it left the confines of her thoughts, however, she finally heard someone outside the door. And when she saw the stacks of board games, coloring books, and crayons in Carisi's arms once he nudged the door open, she let out a long breath of relief.

"Hey…there you are," she commented with a small smile. "I was startin' to think you were gonna leave me high and dry."

"C'mon," he scoffed playfully. "I'd never abandon you_._ Just wanted to stop and grab a few things. Figured the girls could use a distraction or two."

_If only he knew._

"You have no idea," she deadpanned in response.

"That bad, huh?"

"We were about one 'why?' away from me askin' you to bring over a bottle of scotch. And a funnel."

He set everything down where the coffee table used to be with a chuckle, and when he joined her by the box she'd been busy packing, she paused to greet him with a fleeting kiss.

It was only then, when she truly allowed herself to be distracted from her task at hand, that she realized how barren the familiar apartment actually looked. Having most of the big pieces of furniture in storage had made it look empty enough, but now that there were no toys scattered across the floor or framed family photos on the wall, she realized that, not only did it look empty, but it no longer looked like a home.

"This place looks different when it's empty," she commented. His arms circled her waist, and she let out a soft sigh with her gaze still fixed over his shoulder. "We've been here so long it's kinda tough to say goodbye."

"Somethin' tells me this isn't just about the apartment."

_Always reading between the lines_, she thought. But he wasn't wrong. She'd been with Manhattan SVU for so long that it practically felt like as much of a home as the apartment itself did. And despite the fact that both Olivia and Fin said they supported her, and that they were happy for her being given this new opportunity, a part of her couldn't help but feel like she was leaving a piece of her family behind.

It was something she felt as if she needed to do, however. Business and pleasure had become entirely too intertwined, and it had been taking more of a toll on her than she'd realized. Shortly after she'd started at SVU, Fin had warned her never to take the job home with her. That proved not to be as easy when your best friends were your Captain and Sergeant. When you went home at night to the person trying the cases you'd spent all day building.

A part of her wondered if it was selfish to feel the need to cut the cord that attached her work life so closely to her home life, but at the end of the day she knew it was necessary for her longterm wellbeing.

"I was so hard on you when _you_ left and now I'm doing the exact same thing," she reminded him with a bitter chuckle.

"You weren't _that_ hard on me." When she could only roll her eyes with a small, knowing smile in response, he continued. "C'mon, Amanda. They're offerin' you a promotion as soon as you pass the sergeant's exam. Liv gets that. No one woulda passed that up."

"It's just…a lot of change at once," she told him. "For me _and_ the girls. They're gonna miss seeing you every day."

Carisi laughed, and she was almost offended until he offered her a playfully knowing smile. "The girls, huh?"

"I _might_ miss it a little bit too," she said with a smile to match his. "Especially once we've all been livin' strictly on take-out for a few weeks."

When she could see a brief flicker of sadness cross his eyes, she almost regretted saying anything. He'd been playing it off like nothing was going to change between them — mostly for her sake, she figured — but every now and then she would notice the mask slip. He may have left the squad, but they had always still worked as a team. With her in Brooklyn, working alongside a new squad and a new ADA, she knew it was going to be different. For both of them.

He quickly recovered, however, and leaned down to offer her a reassuring kiss.

"Well you can let _the girls_ know I'll come over and cook for them whenever they want," he told her.

"I'll make sure they get the memo."

They shared another small smile, and she was sure he could feel the same odd sense of longing behind it that she did when he grasped her shoulder with a gentle firmness to keep her eyes on his.

"I'm not goin' anywhere, Amanda," he promised. "I'm always gonna be here when you need me."

"I know."

Maybe she wouldn't have believed it a few years prior, or had it been coming from anyone who wasn't Sonny Carisi, but she had come to find that trusting that he'd never leave her behind was a hell of a lot easier than she'd originally anticipated. And finally having that sense of security after years of abandonment — from her own father to nearly all of the men she'd dated before him — filled her with an unfamiliar warmth that she never wanted to let go of.

That night, the four little pieces of their makeshift family gathered around the small screen of her laptop to eat pizza directly out of the box and watch a movie on the floor of the empty apartment. And it was different than how they usually spent their nights, but it was _good_.

And maybe, Amanda considered, that was the beauty of change.


End file.
